Hold

by Stephanie Linehan

Growing up my neighbor and best friend had a pool.  A few years later she moved down the street and had a pool at that house too.  Then my family got a pool.  Needless to say we spent a lot of time swimming.  We spent so much time swimming that when I’d swim underwater, Missy discovered - as I held my breath and blew air out of my nose in an attempt not to get water up it - that I was humming!  I sounded like a little motor as I scaled through the deep end.  Humming right along.  Oblivious to the habit.  Caught by a friend.  Awe, childhood…  

Luke graduating high school - and early for that matter - has given me the gamut of emotions.  Pride, happiness, sadness, yearning, disbelief, doubt, fear.  You name it.  I have had some teary days, some celebratory days, and then the fleeting days.  I feel like I can’t hold onto it … time … him.  It’s not a controlling thing.  It’s not a I-want-to-stop-it thing.  It’s a did-I-do-enough thing.  It’s a take-me-back thing.  It’s a can-I-just-stare-at-you-forever thing.  Like I have so much more love to give and need more time.  I know motherhood isn’t over.  But it just went so fast.  And it feels like water slipping through a sieve.  Or Ashley’s homemade slime slipping through my fingers.  I can’t grasp it.  Can’t hold it.  Can’t hang onto it forever.

I transitioned out of the classroom, tried out entrepreneurship, and landed myself an amazing role in an awesome banking community.  My job is very task and project-oriented.  I really strive to cross the t’s and dot the i’s.  I’m learning tons!  Most importantly, though, I’m learning I literally and figuratively have to hold each task, each project, each responsibility, each client interaction.  I have to stay organized and prioritize.  There needs to be attention to detail and a clear space in order to concentrate and do well.  Sometimes there is so much going on I make myself a mental note to hold this in this moment so I stay focused.  Give it all my love and attention.  The importance is right there in front of me.  Do well.  For my colleague, the person on the receiving end, and myself.  Not to mention, God of course.  

My job allows for the space and the freedom and the flexibility to literally and figuratively hold each task in my day.  There’s a strong sense of going slow to do things very well and that is indeed what is expected.  Urgency, too, is rare to the tasks I am assigned.  Again, because they want things to be intentional and precise in the delivery and interaction.  Teaching didn’t have that for me at the end.  Everything felt urgent.  Everything felt rushed.  Nothing felt held.  Again, the water through a sieve feeling.  The slime through my fingers.  Fleeting.  I couldn’t grasp.  I couldn’t hold.  More like I couldn’t stop, slow down, or pause.  And these were children.  Whose development is years in the making.  

Now I’m starting to notice a whole lot more ‘holding.’ The postal worker holding my package as it’s laid down to be weighed and stamped.  The store clerk holding and scanning each item across the conveyor belt.  Holding a stretch when I work out.  Holding the like button on a social media post.  Holding each graduation party invitation as I write out addresses.  In that split second of time, too, think about it … each hold can be a breath.  A prayer.  A pause.  A realization.  Perhaps a revelation.  Gratitude.  Or even … grace.   

There was a time period in which I was holding my breath.  But holding your breath stops time.  Chokes you, sort of speak.   I’d advise not holding your breath … you’ll be waiting forever (figuratively).   You do need to let life happen.  And you do gotta breathe (literally and figuratively).  

If … I mean, when I write a book (thank you to my friend/author role models Anna C, Shauna K, Jessica P, Val L., & Martha F) … I always thought the title would be Burst. I’ve made lists of phrases utilizing ‘burst’ and noted them in books I’ve read. Burst into tears.  Heart-bursting.  Bursts of laughter.  Burst my bubble.  Burst into flames.  Burst forth.  Etc.  It dawned on me that maybe ‘burst’ has a more negative connotation.  Because after something bursts, it’s hard to put back together.  After a career change, birthing someone who is now a high school graduate, and transitioning my mother into senior living, you know what I’d title my book? Hold. It’s so gentle.  It’s so loving.  It’s so warm and caring.  It’s productive and necessary.  It’s embracing and coming together instead of tearing apart.  It’s beautiful and intentional.  It’s about space and love and pausing and being thankful.  And like ‘burst,’ it too can just be a split second.  A quick thought, gesture, or moment.  Hold.  

Hold as in who you are and what you value, like a stance of sorts.  Hold each family member, friend, moment, conversation, hand, and hug.  Hold each morsel of food, your lover’s hand, your grandmother’s rosary, your wife’s purse, your daughter’s water bottle; hold a gaze, a wonder, or  a thought; hold your hopes, dreams, goals, & ambitions.  Hold your head high.  Or hold back … from the tease or the comment, and save that split second to decide the worthiness of such.  Hold as in cherish and love and respect and admire.  

But please try not to hold your breath.  Save that for the swimming pool.  

Ironically, I used to say “Hold up, Buttercup” when students were rushing.   Once while walking in the hallway with my class, I had half ahead of me and half behind me.  With one sole student by my side, I shouted ahead, “Hey, everyone!  Be like Cooper.”  Cooper looks up at me in that moment over his dark-rimmed glasses and says, “No one has ever said that about me before.”  Boom, #belikeCooper is born!  Not much after that, I was gifted a t-shirt with said hashtag.  And then Cooper goes to unzip his sweatshirt and his t-shirt reads, “#belikeLinehan.”  #wonteverforget

Wilson Phillips’ song “Hold On” immediately takes me back every.single.time.  A circle of us girls, just like in the official music video, belting out the lyrics.  Somewhat on the verge of mockery but also letting the words sink in.

Song:  “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns

Cup the story in your hands and bring it forward.  Hold it up for all to see.  You don’t need to bring forth all of your history, just what you think will help us all love more and become more. - Valarie Kaur, Sage Warrior

Turn your shower into a spa, your breakfast into a tasting experience, and your bedtime into a retreat. The ordinary becomes extraordinary with intention. - Vex King

Enjoy this unique moment, savor every ounce of goodness that these precious seconds are offering to you. - Christy Ann Martine

Next time everything feels like too much, pause.  You don't have to do it all right now. Eat something nourishing, hug someone you love, watch your favorite show - let the wave come and go. You'll find your way through.  @millennial.therapist | Sara Kuburic

May you find stillness in the chaos, and peace be your perch as malice and madness stir in the world. - Jaiya John

Hold on to hope. - Unknown